by Mabatho Seeiso |

We all want to be seen as strong, happy, healthy, energetic and successful. Essentially, we have been taught that the only image that we should show to the outside world is that of perfection. To portray anything else is professional suicide.  The trouble is how we define and understand perfection. We understand it as faultlessness, which is unattainable. The reality is that we are perfect in our imperfections. That is what humanity is. We have many great qualities and we also have a shadow, that aspect of ourselves that contains our negative qualities, we are strong in some situations and weak in others, we excel at some things and struggle in others, there are aspects of our lives that work very well and yet in others we have challenges. All these things contribute to our unique story and there is a lot of value, richness and lessons in that story.  Hence, the story I am about to share with you.

I live with chronic fatigue, it is one of several stress related illnesses I have had in my life including Bells Palsy, which I have spoken about publicly. It has taken me four years to accept that this is not going to go away overnight. I am telling the story not to gain sympathy but so that others can learn from my story. When chronic fatigue first came to light in the early eighties it was called yuppie flu because its typical victim was considered a high achieving young professional. The symptoms I have experienced as a result of this condition are typical of most sufferers. Chronic fatigue is characterised by extreme exhaustion. It does not matter how much I sleep, when I have had a relapse, I do not feel refreshed. In fact some days I can wake up, bathe and then feel like going straight back to bed. I get headaches, have mood swings and when I am not being vigilant I get depressed because I have no control over myself, my life and  how long this bout of fatigue is going to last. It affects my appetite and digestive system. Worst of all for me, it affects my ability to think clearly. The brain feels foggy and my short term memory has deteriorated. For someone who used to define herself as resilient, energetic and creative, I found myself suddenly needing to re-define who I am, which I found painful.  I experience the condition as lonely and tend to withdraw when I have it. I have heard of people who have committed suicide as a result of this condition because they felt misunderstood and unsupported. You can only say to people that you are tired for so long, eventually they get tired of hearing how tired you are. The typical reaction is that you must now stop complaining or rest, which does not help or stop being lazing. The other misconception I come across is that this is a psychological problem. About three months ago, I went to see an endocrinologist to tell me what is happening in my physical body. R4000 worth of blood tests later, the results indicated that I had adrenal glands burnout, this imbalance had also affected my ability to control my blood sugar, it was spiking up and down. Since my immune system was down I had a viral infection and I was also vitamin D and testosterone deficient. I am told that testosterone is important to your sense of well being, your ability to assert yourself and to your libido. I also noticed that I am losing my eyebrows. Pay back for all those sisters I used to laugh at because they had shaved off their eyebrows. Seriously though, the suspicion is that I likely also have a thyroid problem and my cholesterol was sitting at 8. My belief is that if one significant part of the endocrine system is not functioning it affects other parts of the system.

What struck me as ironic in conversations with several women who were living with this condition, all considered highly driven achievers, perfectionist who pushed themselves really hard at work. We all came to this condition through years of living highly stressful unbalanced lives working in highly pressured environments. I am a case in point. When I left the corporate world in 2007, I was the only woman Director in a highly specialised asset management company. I used to jokingly and proudly call my work my jealous husband. I essentially lived my work and worked very long hours consistently over a long period of time. I also had a significant portfolio with limited staff. If I were to define the reasons why I got chronic fatigue, I would define them as follows:

• My relationship with work was never healthy. My career defined me and gave me a lot of validation. For someone who struggled with a poor self image for most of her life, once I discovered work and realised how good I was at it and the recognition I often got in the work place for a job well done, it become addictive. It gave me my sense of self worth. I know a lot of people can identify with this. A lot of us did not learn from a young age that we are worthy just by existing. I am talking about an innate sense of confidence in who you are, which is the key foundation for sustainable success. Eric Berne, the father of Transactional Analysis calls it a life position of knowing that you are okay exactly as you are.  Instead, we have bought into the prevailing belief that we are only worthy if we are rich, successful, beautiful, smart or act like someone that society perceives to be important and so when these things are taking away from us, we have a personality crisis.
• My life was almost one dimensional. My work took precedence over my relationships with family and friends. I hardly opened myself up to meeting a life partner. I had very little time for fun. If I was not working, I would rest so that I would be ready for work. If I was not working, I was thinking about work. Not that I did not do the other things that mattered, compared to work, they were a poor third and fourth, forget second. I did not pay attention to the things that kept me centred, fed my soul, continuously gave me positive energy and gave me the emotional resilience to manage stress more effectively. In essence, like most women, I struggled to put me first and to take care of myself. I always say to all these phenomenal women that I meet that taking care of yourself, having your needs met and having fun is not a nice to have but a necessity that will enable you to give more to your relationships and work. Unfortunately for many of them the message will only sink in once they also succumb to some stress related illness. My imbalance manifested in ill health, with some people it manifests in the breakdown of their most important relationships, which may include divorce. I remember a peer who worked in the industry telling me that she felt guilty because she was spending so much time on work that she did not realise that her child was having serious problems and the wake up call for her was when her child tried to commit suicide.
• I could have done a better job of negotiating for sufficient resources to make sure I had a team that could deliver without being overstretched and placing proper boundaries between work and other aspects of my life. The ability to do this, unfortunately, comes from a strong sense of worthiness and belief that your rights and needs matter, which if I were to be truthful, I did not have. I see a lot of women struggle with this. They get promoted without being sufficiently compensated for the extra volume of work and are fearful of negotiating for what they truly deserve or not only are they doing their job, they are doing their boss’ job and often also the job of an incompetent colleague who should be fired.
• Finally, I was an introvert doing an extrovert’s job. Although I worked in a tough alpha male environment, I thoroughly enjoyed the company I worked for. The appeal to my job was starting something new and therefore the ability to develop my own team, come up with creative strategies and seeing something I initiated succeed. Let’s face it business development and marketing require you to constantly be networking, knocking on doors, entertaining and travelling. Although I was very good at my work, it just meant I expended more energy to do my work than someone who has a natural affinity to sales and business development. I was working against my natural flow.

The one thing that this disease has taught me is that you take yourself everywhere you go. Once I became self employed, I found myself repeating the same patterns. It was not unusual to find me working on a consulting job until seven in the morning and with only one to two hours sleep going onto my next meetings. It is no wonder I have had relapses because I failed to appreciate that it was time that I managed myself differently and developed habits that will keep me healthy and sustain my productivity over the long term. I have also learned that unless one changes their life scripts that drive negative behaviour one is unlikely to change behaviour. I was still placing an over emphasis on work because one of my life scripts was that my value comes from working hard and pleasing others.  At times, placing an over emphasis on work is avoidance of other aspects of life that are not work. For example, some people are constantly working because they feel lonely or they are avoiding facing a challenge in another aspect of their life.

One can live a successful life with the condition. For me the biggest shift I made recently was acceptance that I live with chronic fatigue. I was like an alcoholic who refuses to believe that they are an alcoholic. I have now firmly placed work in its rightful place in the context of my life. I understand that to be whole all aspects of my life need to work. I am re-learning to have fun. I do Salsa, Bikram Yoga and go to gym. These things keep me fit, happy and positive. I am managing my fatigue through diet and the help of a very good homeopath. I also employ mind techniques and spiritual practices I have learned over the past nine years to enable me not to give the illness focus and to keep me positive. There are days when I cannot give 100% to my job but I am learning that not everything has to come through hard work, that things are easier when you do things that you are passionate about that flow with your natural energy. They almost seem effortless. I have also opened myself up to receiving help. The condition has been a blessing because it has forced me to be clear on my focus and where I want to be spending energy. I have let go of many things I was doing to focus on my passion which is teaching women personal mastery. This is the first time that I am backing myself up fully and focusing on a business that aims to facilitate women to develop authentic power. This is healing work for me and I am enjoying the ride.  I hope that by sharing my story I will make a difference in someone else life.

Mabatho is an expert teacher, speaker and consultant on personal development and increasing one’s personal power. She facilitates pioneering women to gain the tools, confidence and courage that enable them to attain success and fulfilment in all aspects of their lives, through her company The Bridge. For the past 10 years she has worked with various enlightened teachers both locally and internationally on spirituality, personal mastery and leadership.